I am on a personal mission to make people think before using the standard, "How are you?" greeting, which (to me) sounds more and more like fingernails on a chalkboard. Talk about over-used! It's thrown out there time after time, day after day and (quite frankly) I'm sick of it! You know and I know that the individual asking probably doesn't give a rodents rectum how anybody is. And don't you think it's a rather intimate question to be asking a total stranger, anyway? What if (God forbid) everybody decided to give honest answers? Nobody really wants to know how you are, so why the Hell are they asking??? My pet "How are you" peeve has to do with the dumbass who doesn't know when to quit asking! (we've all had this happen) You meet someone in the hallway, they say, "How are you?" to which you reply, "Fine. How are you?" (then it happens) they say, "I'm fine. You?" Theoretically, that conversation could go on forever.
On a recent trip to the grocery store I was minding my own business in the canned vegetable isle, when Ms Grocery Store Manager came marching toward me with another shopper in tow. I knew it was coming, the same conversation (only conversation) I've had with that woman a hundred times. "How are you?", she asked. I cordially replied, "Fine." She stopped about five feet from where I was standing and helped the other shopper find something, all of which took about three seconds. As Ms Manager marched back by me it happened...the SECOND "How are you?" A chill ran up my spine as the fingernails slid down the board. In my mind I had her by the throat and was slamming the back of her head into the canned peas as I shouted, "Why didn't you pay attention the first time! Stop making me repeat myself!" Actually, I just gave the same cordial, "Fine," and waited for her to get out of ear-shot then added, "...you stupid bitch!"
I've been thinking that we should have some responses at the ready for these "double askers." The responses that I came up with fall into three basic categories, 1. Smart-Ass Reply (the one we all know and love) 2. TMI Reply (give them too much information, because they wanted to know SO badly they asked you twice) 3. Scary/Crazy Reply (this one is designed to make them think twice before asking the first time)
1.Smart-Ass Reply (while not very funny these are great to use in a hurry)
- "My! Don't we have a short memory?"
- "Is there an echo in here...in here...in here..."
- "Get off my back!"
- "I'm better than nothing, but I hear you're not!"
2.TMI Reply (makes everyone uncomfortable and that's always fun)
- "I'm hopeful that, once I get the wart removed, he'll love me again."
- (wiggle around and scratch a bit) "I'm uncomfortable. They're really bad this time of year."
- In a whisper: "I'm terrified to make any sudden moves. The squirts. Like water only dark and smelly." (pretend to nervously suppress cough)
- "I'm SO excited! The hubby just got one of those 'implant' things..."
3.Scary/Crazy Reply (requires a little acting ability and should only be used on strangers)
- "The voices are telling me that I'm ok. Why? What are they telling you?"
- "I'm pissed! My lawyer just told me there's no way he can convince a jury that the axe slipped out of my hand over and over and over..."
- "Well, my dog says that I'm a lot more fun since I'm not on my medication."
- "Actually, I'm hungry. Did you know that human flesh tastes like chicken?"
How am I? Well, since you asked...
