Melissa's Birthday Self-Pitty Party

With "the big 5-0" looming larger than ever for me, I am reminded of when my friend/co-worker Melissa (that's Moe to me) turned fifty. As usual I had to write a milestone birthday poem. The morning of Moe's birthday we initiated a little departmental meeting. I began with a preface story, telling everyone that Moe had called me (crying and rambling) very late the night before. Our boss stopped me and asked if she was drunk at the time. (we all know Melissa doesn't drink) I answered by saying, "Well, two things quickly became apparent: 1. She had been drinking & 2. She had been reading Dr. Seuss." That brought a chuckle from the group, because they knew I was about to rip-off Dr. Seuss. Then I proceeded to tell them what Melissa had to say:

I do not like this "getting old."
Those horror truths that I've been told
Of graying hair and aches and wrinkles.
The frequent urges to make tinkles.

I do not like this thing called "aging."
Escaping thoughts and hormones raging.
I do not like it one little bit
And no one even gives a darn!

Everything sags and appears quite shoddy.
What has happened to my body?!?
Without a recourse to defend
Seems gravity is not my friend.

Don't call me silly. Don't say that I'm whiny.
I'm having a crisis with a droopy hiney!!!
You might think it's funny; you may even snicker
As I drown all my sorrow in this bottle of liquor.

This really stinks! It is so unfair
That I just soiled my underwear.
This "50" thing has me stuck in a rut.
So Father Time can KISS MY BUTT!!!

After the meeting I went to see if Moe was still speaking to me. She asked me to sign her poem and said, "That way, when you become famous, I'll have an original with a signature."
Hang on to that one, Moe! I'm sure it will net you a small fortune!