Is That A Shotgun Sticking Out Of Your Trench Coat Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

This post is dedicated to store owners, Bob and Jean. Two Of my favorite people.

It was December 27, 1997 and I was way late for work at my second job in the local Mom and Pops convenience store. I normally went in at 1:00 on Saturdays, but I had a funeral to attend (in the rain) so, it was 5:00 PM when I arrived. Should have waited till 7:00.

Let me paint a little picture of the lay-out of the store. Two cash registers side by side facing the back of the store. To the right of the register on the right is a counter and vice versa. In other words, if you're standing facing a register your back is to the door. That is how Carrol and I were standing on that cold, rainy, one customer in the whole damn store night. I was on the right and Carrol was on the left.

Around 6:15 my partner had just fixed himself what must have been one Hell of a sandwich and we were standing there chatting while he was devouring his creation.That's when I heard the telltale "squeak" of the door. (apparently a sound that Carrol did not detect, because he was eating and talking) Anyway, I turned my head to greet whoever was entering, but all I could see was a black trench coat opening up and the barrel of a .410 shotgun being raised to point at me. Immediately, the accomplice of Mr. Trench Coat scurried around to my side of the counter, waving two pistols at me. Well, my mama didn't raise no fool. I was quick to figure out that this was a stick up! At the same time I'm thinking, Two pistols? Really? Isn't that over-kill? Do ya think if you only had one I would balk and say, "Oh, Hell no, Mr. One Pistol, you're not gettin' a penny from this old girl. If you had TWO pistols...now THAT would be a different story!"

Believe it or not, I actually had the presence of mind to remember how to open the cash register and I did just that! Then, without even being told, I began to extract money from said register, beginning with the 20's and working my way down to the smaller, less desirable bills. Two Pistols had to lay one pistol on the counter in order to free up a hand to take money from me. Money that I just couldn't wait to give him!


Somewhere in all of this, with my left eye I caught a glimpse of Mike (our only non-gun-wielding customer) walk up to Carrol's side of the counter and then quickly retreat to the back of the store. (guess Mike's mama didn't raise no fool, either)

About the time I was digging the 5's out of the drawer, I heard a sound. It was the sound of words being filtered through bread and other sandwich material. For God's sake! Carrol was still eating that damn sandwich and talking to me, completely oblivious to the fact that we were being robbed at gunpoint!

So, after handing Two Pistols the less desirable one dollar bills, I stepped behind Carrol and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and (I swear this is the truth) said, "What's goin' on?" (I'm guessing this is where he FINALLY put the sandwich down) Well, upon noticing a man standing there pointing a gun at his head, Carrol began doing what I had just done, emptying a cash register. He started with the less desirable one dollar bills, but something tells me that Two Pistols didn't even notice.

At some point, while Carrol was handing over cash, I noticed that Two Pistols was having a hard time cramming all that cash into his pockets. So, being the customer-oriented girl that I am, I asked him if he wanted a bag. He didn't, but (being the customer-oriented girl that I am) I wasn't taking "No" for an answer. I asked again. He still didn't want a bag, but at least I tried. In retrospect, I suppose he may have thought that I could be the second Annie Oakley and that maybe there was a gun hidden down there where the bags were kept. Actually there was a sawed-off shotgun down there, but that was the farthest thing from my mind. The ONLY thing that interested me was getting them out of the store without Carrol or myself having to eat any lead. Besides, I'm pretty sure Carrol was already was already full from his sandwich.

Under the watchful eye of Mr. Trench Coat, who was still poised at the door behind us with his trusty .410, my partner handed the last stack of bills over to Two Pistols. Then came the moment that I'd been anxiously waiting for...the bad-boy gun-slingers exited the store, without firing off a single round.

This is where Carrol redeemed himself for the sandwich eating and talking during the entire first half of the robbery. As I was hitting the floor and grabbing the phone from under the counter, he snatched a pistol out of a drawer and headed out the door. I remember saying to the 911 operator, "We've just been robbed and there are shots being fired in the parking lot!" That's the only part of the conversation that I can recall, because I was completely consumed with terror and had no idea what was actually transpiring in the parking lot. I know that I was sure relieved when Carrol came back through the door bearing not a single bullet wound.

It seems that, with Carrol firing over their heads the bad boys didn't want to take time to stop and climb into the getaway car, so they just ran right past it and disappeared into the woods. The female driver of the car took off down the road. I suppose she thought the boys would come back out to the highway and that's why she turned around and came back, but upon seeing Carrol out by the road (pistol in hand) she decided that was a bad idea after all. In an attempt to make a quick turn around she pulled into the path of another driver and got T-boned, which disabled her stolen ride. At that point the woods on the other side of the road looked pretty good to her.

The long and short of it is: the girl was apprehended about an hour later and claimed she had no idea that the guys were going to rob the store and she didn't know that the car was stolen. (in her defense, my friends and I always carry our shotguns when we shop in convenience stores...never know when a game bird might fly off a shelf... and it's not unusual for us to drive cars with screwdrivers sticking out of the ignitions, because we tend to loose our keys) Mr. Trench Coat and Two Pistols were arrested several days later. They all were convicted, served time and have since been released.

I had only been working at the store for three months when we were robbed. The next day I showed up for work again and did the same for the next nine years. Did I really say, "My mama didn't raise no fool"???

Make Lentil Sprouts, Because I Said So!

Not only because I said so, but because they are: loaded with nutrients, easy to make, absolutely delicious and cheap, cheap, cheap! (I'm all about cheap) Besides, you probably already have everything you need to make the sprouts in your house. If you don't have any dried lentils go to the store and get a bag. Yes, they are in the dried bean section. Go ahead. I'll wait.

You're back! Great! Now, we're going to call this: "Lentil Sprouts 101" or "Sprouting For Idiots". Personally, I like the latter and you can learn from the Master Idiot. Don't be afraid. Just dive into that bag of little legumes. But first, let me tell you why you should sprout rather than just cook the lentils. Sprouting actually ups the nutritional value and makes them so much better for you. They become a wealth of amino acids, B vitamins and a bunch of other stuff too numerous to mention. (or stuff that I can't remember) Don't expect me to explain how sprouting changes the make up of the lentil, because (quite frankly) I'm not intelligent enough to explain it and I would just have to plagiarize someone else's writing and I am not about plagiarism. So, you'll just have to trust me on this one.

You will need: a quart canning jar (I prefer large mouth), a ring to fit the jar, 1/2 cup lentils and some clean fabric large enough to cover the jar top and thin enough to be able to screw the ring onto the jar. Some use cheesecloth, but I use panty hose. Water has to be able to pass through the cloth and it is important that air can circulate during the sprouting process. NEVER,NEVER, NEVER use any peas, beans or legumes that have been packaged for planting, because they may have been coated with an agent to make them germinate. I should mention that kidney bean sprouts, tomato seed sprouts and potato sprouts are all POISONOUS! In other words: don't sprout 'em and don't eat 'em.

Measure out 1/2 cup of lentils and sort through carefully, removing any that are broken or chipped, as they will not sprout. Instead, they will rot, compromising the quality of your finished product. Let's face it...nobody wants to eat rot!

Dump the lentils into the jar, put the cloth over the top and secure with the jar ring or rubber band. WOW! What a relief! The hard part is OVER!

Run some cool water right through the cloth onto the lentils to wash them, drain and repeat about three times. The only thing better than having clean lentils is having clean hands...I always say. Now, run warm water (never hot) into the jar. Pretty much filling the jar just so you know you have ample water for the lentils to soak up. Let those tiny discs sit there and soak for 8-10 hours.

Drain off the "soaking" water and rinse with cool water a couple of times. Drain off the rinse water and find a nice dark spot to keep the jar or jars. I keep mine in a spare bedroom, which doesn't get much light and I cover them with a dark bath towel. Make sure that the jar is tipped at an angle to allow excess water to drain. A dish drainer provides a handy "jar-propping" place. I set mine on a tray to catch any water that may drain out. Let the sprouting begin!

Just rinse with cool water and drain, every morning and evening. Be gentle as to not break off any of the tender shoots. On the third day you should have sprouts that are about 3/4 inch long. PERFECTO! (that's Spanish for perfect) Add cool water to the jar and let the sprouts get all charged up with a good drink. Let them soak for a couple of minutes before draining in a strainer. Put a paper towel in the bottom of whatever container you'll be storing your delectable little goodies in. Dump the well drained sprouts on top of the paper towel and store in the refrigerator. They easily keep for a week, but after three days you should rinse and place on a fresh paper towel.

Just look at what a half cup of lentils will produce! Check out the fancy crystal bowl, because that's how we roll here at the Half-Assed Acres Ranch! Now, make yourself a big ol' salad and scatter a bunch of these little goodies over the top. It'll make your tongue slap the roof of your mouth and beg for more!

If you're going to use them in soup or stew, add them during the last 5 minutes of cooking time, cause you don't want to cook them to death. I don't recommend just cooking them in water and draining the water off, because you're going to dump some of the nutrients down the drain.

I'll bet (with a little imagination) you could blend up some sprouts in your food processor, mix with some plain yogurt or soft cream cheese, throw in a few spices and have a tasty dip or sandwich/wrap spread. I haven't tried that yet, but when I do I'll let you know.

Feel free to post any comments or questions, as long as you don't criticize, because I don't handle criticism well and I hold a grudge forever!

Look! I Married Oliver Wendall Douglas!

"Faaaaaarrrm livin' is the life for me."

One day, as I was passing my house, I looked over and there he was going down through the front pasture on our 46 year old tractor. Immediately, I was struck with the image of Mr. Douglas. Even though Oliver's tractor was always referred to as a Hoyt-Clagwell, it actually was (just like ours) a Ford! When I found that out, it gave me CHILLS! (not really...I'm just being dramatic) Now, besides the tractor, The Horseman and Oliver Douglas both have the silver tresses goin' on and my husband has actually been to New York city! It is true that you're not likely to see him bush-hog in a three piece suit and "lawyer " is a term that you will never see on his resume, but (is it just me) or are the similarities uncanny? In fact, I'm quite sure that he would be likely to utter the words, "You can keep Manhattan. Just give me that country-side."

I'm a far stretch from Lisa Douglas and I'm sure my Mr. Douglas is glad of that. (although I suppose he'd be pretty happy if I looked like her) There is one common thread I share with Lisa in that I, too, get allergic smelling hay! Truth be known, I am probably more likely to be compared with (farmhand) Eb Dawson than Lisa.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go outside, climb the telephone pole and make a call.

Shout- Out

I just have to give a big ol' shout-out to a couple of local writers. First is poet Jonathan Bolick, whose book, "Diamonds From Coal" I purchased last month. Loved it! I will order his latest soon. To read some of Jonathan's work go to: www.boloworks.com . I found out about Jonathan from my friend Gina. It's kind of funny how I recently told Gina that I like to write poetry, but I don't like reading poetry, (yes I am an oddball) but I sure enjoyed Jonathan's work.

Last, but not least, is Carolyn Steele Agosta. I work with Carolyn's sister Jacki, who directed me to her website: www.carolynagosta.com . When you go to Carolyn's site click on , "Links to published stories" which is on the left. That will bring up many great short stories, but the one I want you to read first is, "Another Weekend With Suzie".

I wouldn't recommend them if I didn't think they were wonderful....so, check 'em out!

Kick-Ass Computer, Sprouts And Deals

Well, here I sit (grinnin' like a possum) at my new, kick-ass computer! Which, by the way, happens to have 160 gigs of hard drive, 2 gigs ram, a CD burner and a four-fifty-four with a four-on-the-floor! The Computer Guru really out did himself and got back in my good graces. (looks like his name may reappear in my will) I could hardly wait to get home from work to hook this baby up. The laws of nature and my own bad karma prohibit me from ever having things go as planned. So, I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy a new mouse, but that's ok I'm still grinnin'.

I'm so pleased with myself, because I started two different batches of sprouts yesterday. (green pea and soy) Those are new to me. The only thing I've done before were lentil sprouts. Now there's some fine eatin'. Sprouts are really good for you and here's the best part.....they're super cheap to make!

Speaking of cheap, (by the way "Cheap" is my middle name) I went to the grocery store yesterday with some coupons and hit pay dirt. Sugar was on sale for 99 cents, had a 30 cent coupon which was doubled. HOLY CRAP....four pounds of sugar for 39 cents! Oops...I peed myself a little. When I came to the French's mustard and realized that I could get a 14 oz. bottle for 20 cents, I could barely conceal my excitement! Then came the best part...they actually had to pay ME to take a 12 oz. bottle of French's spicy brown off their hands! YIPPIE-FRICKIN'-I-O! I was lovin' life!

In case you didn't notice, I'm in a much better mood than I was when I put up my last post and you may be wondering if I had to tell anyone to go to Hell. I did not, but there were a few close calls. The mental illness is on the back burner for now, but it's still simmering.

In A Bad Place

Have you ever been mad at the world and not quite sure why? That's where I am right now, but in a way I know why. In a nutshell....taxes and people who don't understand how income tax works. Anyway, that's what got the ball rolling and at the moment I can think of several people who have irritated me in the past few weeks, who I would just like to tell to go to Hell! Hopefully, that won't happen at work tomorrow, but there's always that possibility. Actually, there are some, who haven't even pissed me off yet, but I picture them doing just that and I picture myself....telling them to go to Hell. Oh, yes! I can feel the mental illness welling up in my throat!

There should be a good place to go when I'm in a bad place. (a bad place being the dark corners of my own mind) How about the doctors office, because my right knee is swelled up like a balloon? No. I guess not, because he would tell me to stay off from it for a few days. Bullshit! Does he have any clue how my life is?

On the "up" side....The Computer Guru has everything ordered for my new, kick-ass computer and I'm sooooo happy about that! I'm pretty sure that's the only saving grace that is keeping me from actually telling several people to go to Hell!

Wordless

His name was Paul, but I can't recall how I came to know his name. Maybe he wrote it on my order pad. Years after we met I learned his last name when I saw his picture in the paper. "Paul Whitesides", it said above his obituary. Sadness swept over me as I remembered many wordless conversations between Paul and myself. The only time actual words were involved was when one of us wrote something down on paper for the other one to read or when he pointed to whatever menu item he wanted.



Looking back on my conversations with Paul, I have to wonder just how ridiculous my awkward hand gestures must have seemed to him. I couldn't sign. Maybe he got the same feeling I get when I'm talking to someone who is just learning to speak English. He probably felt like I was butchering his native tongue.



Quite often I would flail my arms and pretend to be very irritated with him, which always produced a big grin. No telling what the other customers thought when I behaved that way.



Meeting Paul taught me that you don't need to verbalize to let people know that you like them and that you're genuinely happy to see them. Words are just words, sometimes empty and meaningless. Only our actions truly speak to other human beings, a language of their own.